It’s not enough for women to be good at their jobs; to be viewed as competent, women also need to behave in ways that conform to gender stereotypes. Academic research finds that even today, women face backlash at work because power is typically associated with masculine behaviors, like being dominant, assertive and aggressive. To succeed, women need to engage in these behaviors, but if women want to be accepted and liked, they need to conform to gender stereotypes by acting in more stereotypical “feminine” ways by being meek, mild, unassuming, empathetic and warm. If women don’t do this, they will be perceived as competent but not like-able.

“Women have to walk a tightrope of being assertive and being warm, which is especially true when it comes to conflict. Men may feel some of that, too, but the research shows we tend to give them more leeway in how they handle conflict. If they avoid it, we think there's a good reason he's avoiding it; maybe he's being strategic. If he's being aggressive, we think that is what he is supposed to do,” says Amy Gallo, workplace conflict expert and author of Getting Along: How to Work with Anyone (Even Difficult People).

Avoiding conflict at work is not an option. Healthy disagreements are an inevitable part of collaboration and often improve individual and team performance. To be effective, women need to be able to challenge their colleagues’ arguments or assumptions, present alternative perspectives, disagree and question the rationale behind decisions, without automatically being viewed as difficult or less like-able.

Here, Gallo shares three ways we can tackle gender bias in conflict and make it safe for women to disagree.

Don’t Let Gender Bias Derail Healthy Conflict

We can all play a role in making it easier for women to engage in conflict. Gallo says this starts with calling out gender bias when you witness or experience it at work.

“If a guy says in a meeting, well, 'We don't have to get emotional here,' someone can say, 'I know it wasn't your intention, but I think that comment was laden with some gender bias. We often tend to see any emotion that women express as more emotional than we would for a man.’"

Calling out bias in a neutral, calm way is actually an example of engaging in effective conflict, which Gallo believes helps to strengthen relationships.

“If you and I start to get into it, there's tension. I start to think, ‘Oh, shoot, she is not going to respect me anymore. We've worked so well in the past. I don't want to ruin our relationship.’ And we sort of try to smooth things over, which is a bit dishonest because we'll say things we don't mean or hold back feedback. The people we are willing to disagree with are those we have very strong relationships with because we trust those relationships,” she says.

Oftentimes, women can internalize gender bias, especially when it comes to conflict, by feeling the need to avoid it altogether or smooth things over. Gallo says when you find yourself doing this, it is important to notice and stand your ground by asking for what you want or sharing your point of view.

Re-frame Conflict As A Skill, Not A Threat

While it might seem easier to avoid conflict, over time this will limit your ability to collaborate, problem solve and innovate effectively. Not all conflict is bad.

“To know whether conflict is good, I will ask myself: ‘Okay, is this conversation helping us move toward a better decision? Is it helping us reach our goals or targets? And is it helping us improve our relationship? Is it productive?,’” she says.

Gallo believes the reason so many people avoid conflict is that they evaluate its effectiveness based on how good it feels in the moment, which is a mistake because most conflict feels uncomfortable, even when it's productive.

“It's got to be uncomfortable for us to get to the better idea, work product or decision, but that doesn't mean it's bad conflict. Unhealthy conflict happens when we're making snarky comments, sending passive-aggressive emails or reacting to one another's emotional reactions, instead of actually engaging in a debate or disagreement about the underlying ideas or purpose of our work.”

To help all employees get comfortable with good conflict, we need leaders to normalize disagreements, role model the right behaviors, and recognize team members for engaging in good conflict.

Watch, Learn And Make It Your Own

Learning to navigate conflict effectively is a skill anyone can learn. Gallo says the best way to develop this skill is by observing someone who is already effective at handling conflict, which is especially important for women, who need different strategies for navigating the double bind.

“You are not going to do it the exact same way because, obviously, you're a different person, but just watch what they do, watch what they say, what their body language is. Then, when the moment arises, you can try to embody them. You will still do it in a way that's authentic to you, but hopefully you'll bring a little bit more of the skill that you've observed in someone else.”

The more women engage in healthy conflict, the more they will build their tolerance for it and role-model effective strategies for other women to use.