Effects of divorce on children:

The effect of divorce on children varies based on the age of the child(ren) and their temperament and how the parents handle the divorce. Some children become upset or confused which can impact their academic performance. Some children can have a harder time relating to others, making friends and thus they lose social contacts. Changes in their school and home can have an impact on them. Feelings of loss, anger, confusion and anxiety may result from the transition.

Divorce = two homes for the children

Children can suddenly find themselves with two homes. Only one home has their favorite stuffed animal or sweater or toy. They now have to remember to bring what they need to each home: backpacks with schoolbooks and changes of clothes, sports uniforms and equipment or a musical instrument. Going back and forth from one home to the other home each week can be upsetting or distracting, causing distress.

Children believe it’s their fault

Young children often blame themselves for their parents’ divorce. This has much to do with egocentrism . Children, especially under age 10, interpret the world through their own lens. This makes them feel that for divorce to occur, they must have done something wrong. They presume that other people see, hear and think the way they do. It is a stage of child development that children outgrow.

A “Sesame Street” writer once said it was easier to write an episode about death than one about divorce. Sesame Street is one of the children’s shows that addresses divorce, recognizing that children often have to cope with adult subjects long before their parents may think they are aware.

While parents often try to limit children’s screen time, television can reach children in places they themselves cannot yet verbalize but express as anxiety, acting out or just confusion about why they suddenly have two addresses instead of one. Children’s television tries to address that confusion by depicting divorce with some degree of honesty and sensitivity. Shows like “Bluey” (the “Decider” episode), Sesame Street (Little Children, Dig Challenges: Divorce Toolkit) and Phineas and Ferb (“I Scream, You Scream”), Ada Twist, Scientist, and Arthur all offer depictions of divorce for children.

How do I tell my children about divorce?

Divorce is a children’s issue in that it is the child who has to pack and move between two homes, who has to adjust to their parents being apart, to possibly change schools and to leave behind friends or to have to make new friends in a new neighborhood.

According to the Child Mind Institute, How to Tell Your Kids About Divorce , what you say to the children depends on their age. Do it together. Planning together what to say in advance is best. Your children need to see a united front because although you won’t be living together, you will be parenting together. They need to be reassured. Don’t discuss money. Don’t flood them with information. Answer their questions. Give them a timeline as to when things are going to happen. Explain that any anger they may have heard between you is not anger at them but that you are angry at the situation.

What should parents do to ease their children’s adjustment to divorce?

The secret is to separate your personal relationship with your ex or soon to be ex from the co-parenting relationship. The marriage may be over, but your family is forever. You must make the children feel that their well-being and they are more important than that which ended your marriage. If the children can feel love from both of you, they adjust more easily. Consistency between households is best for children. Children who observe you working together are mentally and emotionally healthier.

Some schools offer group therapy programs for children of separating or divorcing parents. One in particular that receives praise from parents is “ Banana Splits .”

In cases involving drug addiction or domestic violence the above does not apply.